My last relationship blog was well-received by my Mom and former boss, so I figured that I?d help some of my unlucky-in-love friends by typing a whole bunch of words in response to their anonymous questions. If you have a question you?d like me to answer, submit it here (it?s really anonymous!)
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How do you make a long distance relationship work?
I?m a big fan of the idea of a healthy long distance relationship, mostly because I?m a big fan of healthy relationships in general. What keeps most relationships from working, at least in my experience, is that they involve people. Even the best people are bad at dealing with things at times, so adding variables like distance, differing schedules, or daddy issues makes even the most theoretically perfect couples buckle. But when there?s distance, what about the essentials: quality time, daily maintenance and, well, you know?that other kind of quality time?
Even though it complicates the complications that are inherent in intrapersonal entanglements, when it comes to distance, I don?t think that it is the ultimate handicap (see: daddy issues). We have the thing that every other geographically-challenged couple in history did not have: very few boundaries regarding communication. The internet is damn near the only thing that can make some long distance tolerable. As someone who maintains 90% of her IRL friendships with the internet, I can vouch for being able to build genuine, strong friendships without much face-to-face contact. The key is to just treat those friendships/relationships as you do the ones you have to maintain on a daily face-to-face basis. Basically, all relationships take work, and distance isn?t an excuse to put someone lower on your priority list or the reason why you can?t make it work.
You can have meaningful contact with someone regularly, but it?s the mutual willingness to deal with the frustrations that will arise that will determine what?s to come. If you care enough to fancy the idea of distance, latch onto that and keep it up. You have to combat the longing for huggy-touchy-cuddlytimes by doing what everyone has to do: pay attention to one another. There?s also the much-cited-by-people-who-don?t-suck-at-long-distance argument that it makes the time you get to spend together amplified in quality. Seriously, if you?re contemplating or already knees deep in a telecommunicationship, keep your eye on the long-term goal of having a healthy, compassionate, mutually generous relationship. Expect complications, not just because of distance, but because you?re humans taking a risk that might just make you happy. As I will continue to say every time I write these posts: the worst that will happen is that it doesn?t work out.
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What?s a good way to develop (grow, find yourself, become your own person, etc) when you?re in a relationship with someone you?re very close to, and have been for years? I love my boyfriend and want to remain with him, but I still want to have something apart from him, if only to make myself a better person with a stronger sense of self, to in turn share with him.
I am 23, living out of a suitcase, and I recently dyed a swath of my hair turquoise. That whole ?finding myself? thing is sort of my only identity right now, and some of that was triggered by investing too heavily in the people I was dating instead of myself. Part of that is due to dating the same guy off-and-on-and-off from the age of 14 to 21, but that might have been a symptom more than the cause. The fact that you?re insightful enough to realize that your long-term relationship might be keeping you back from being you is a pretty good sign that you?re doing just fine in the realm of interpersonal development.
I didn?t really try to be anyone but that guy?s girlfriend until I got dumped. Here are the things I wish I had been doing (and have done in the two years since) for your self-development consideration:
- Do things by yourself. If your partner doesn?t want to see that movie or concert or can?t make it because of reasons, you are not suddenly exempt from it. Being an adult involves being comfortable being alone, so it?s not a terrible idea to branch out on your own.
- ?Make new/keep old friends. Seriously, don?t let your beau be the end-all. Let this be a friendly reminder that boyfriends/girlfriends are friends you can make out with. Even though you can?t run the bases with all your other friends, they?re still pretty important.
- Be okay with the possibility that you might grow away from/out of the relationship. If growing as a person means that you might not work out, you?re doing everyone involved a disservice by arresting development.
If you?re worried about it, talk about it. There?s a chance that you?re both looking to grow as individuals and as a couple, which means you?re going to be a-ok.
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I have trouble dating as a liberal woman in the south. It?s hard to let myself consider chemistry when the basics like ?no homophobes? is a huge barrier. Advice?
You ?n me both, girl. My first piece of advice is to leave the South, but I know that you?re probably too in love with the heat and mosquitoes to ever head in a more northerly and liberal direction. If you?re open to long distance, I?d suggest driving to your nearest metropolitan center and sitting in Starbucks reading JD Salinger for a few hours a week. Before you know it, you?ll find yourself in a threesome (You, a rebellious son of a preacher and his Che Guevara t-shirt) Also, you can buy one of those ?little blue dot in a big red state? decals just so nobody has any doubts that you?re not voting for anyone but the incumbent this November.
But seriously, if you?re stuck here for awhile, I can assure you that there are liberal fellas all over the place, many of them are also brooding about the lack of liberal ladies. The most like-minded people I?ve met in the South share common interests, so doing things that you enjoy might lead to not having to pick the lesser of two evils when filling out your dating ballot*. While I?m not suggesting compromising your values, don?t let minor differences in ideology destroy what attraction and chemistry might make worthwhile. Many of us young, Southern love-seekers are still forming our opinions, often with some regrets along the way. For instance, just because a person (who is definitely not me) might have campaigned pretty heavily for a fringe Republican candidate in 2008? doesn?t mean they haven?t grown up a lot and really started to value universal healthcare. Politics are not your sole identity, so give people a fair shot so long as they?re not egregiously violating your oh-no-no list.? That?s a two-way street for liberals and conservatives alike. If you?re open to accepting the minor misalignments of otherwise worthy candidates, you might open up your options significantly.
Tl;dr: Give everyone a chance, but stick to your values, lady. Don?t let someone?s handsome face override their use of ?gay? as an adjective for ?stupid?, but maybe you can forgive them for being a little conflicted about the death penalty. However, if there?s a even the vaguest outline of a ?W: THE PRESIDENT? sticker on his pickup, no one will fault you for calling a cab.
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*That was excessive. I?m sorry.
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Erin Murray hasn?t been on a proper date in several months and has recently become Facebook friends with her exes, because that?s totally well-adjusted.? She is happy to be your new kid sister. She tweets, like, a lot (@erinkmurray) Also, happy birthday, Dad. Thanks for being born smart and subsequently transferring some of that to me. I love you.
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